Many of you know that Shannon and I went through more than four years of trying to conceive. We suffered one miscarriage before we started infertility (IF) treatments. The treatments included 4 intra-uterine inseminations, one fresh in vitro fertilization cycle and six--yes, six--frozen embryo cycles. We got pregnant once more, and lost the baby at 7 weeks.
The process was horrifying, miserable, and life-draining. I felt like I wasn't quite a complete woman--I couldn't carry a baby. We had 14 beautiful, absolutely perfect embryos when we did the fresh cycle...and none of them made it. None.
After the last try, I felt like my legs would not carry me anymore. Like my faith would not carry me. Like no one could say anything that would make things ok.
Then we decided to adopt, found an agency, and had a referral within a week. That referral was Owen. You all know the rest. We thank God for him every day.
However, my heart and mind still remember the pain of IF. And I have friends who are still going through it. A wonderful woman who I met through an IF forum has had done treatment after treatment, suffered miscarriages, and experienced the financial drain of trying desperately to have the one thing so many parents take for granted: a child.
She and her husband did the paperwork for domestic adoption this past year, and settled into waiting for a birthmom to choose them. They were chosen sooner than they thought, and allowed themselves to feel hope and buy lots of baby things.
24 hours before the baby was due, the birthmother changed her mind.
I am not sure why I'm sharing this here. There is so much misinformation in the news about Guatemalan adoptions (coming not only from big TV news networks like CBS and NBC, but also my beloved NPR, which recently made it sound as if $40k would buy you a kid from Guatemala in no time), and the misconceptions about IF are there, too. Oprah asked this friend of mine, when she was on the show, if she could just come to peace with the fact that she may never have kids.
No.
No.
No.
I know it was Oprah. I know she is adored by women everywhere. But no. This is not something that you come to terms with, not something you are ever at peace with. Owen took our pit of pain and filled it when he entered our lives. Waiting for his adoption to be completed was painful, gut-wrenching, miserable. But the misery of loss, again and again and again, through IF treatments and now, for my friend, adoption, leave one's soul scarred, broken, burned, seared, hollow.
I have sobbed for her, prayed for her, and cried some more. I also have hopes for her.
I hope no one tells her God has a plan for her. He may, but people have free will, and perhaps this baby was 'supposed' to be hers...and the birthmom chose otherwise. How are we to know? Don't tell her God has something waiting for her. He might. But to tell that to someone who has gone through hell like she has...don't.
I hope no one tells her ever again to try to come to peace with not having children. Not even Oprah. It's not an option. Give her that respect, understand that those kids you look at every day and possibly even take for granted--she would sacrifice anything to have that joy.
I hope she can make it through another day, and then another and another, and survive this.
I hope she does this so she and her husband can keep trying, in whatever way they choose, to become parents.
I hope, most of all, that she becomes a mommy very, very soon. I love you, J.
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3 comments:
Your post had me in tears. I have traveled that road before. I pray that your friend finds her children, wherever they are. I hope that she will find a way in this unfair world. Hugs.
I completely agree with you 100%. Having gone through 2 years of infertility and similar treatments, it is the most exhausting, emotional, and nervewracking thing to go through. I know sometimes it's hard to find the right words to say to someone who has had this unfortunate luck, but sometimes all we need to do is listen and offer our support. Bad things happen to the most wonderful people in the world and that is life. We take it as it comes and try to make the best out of what we're dealt. It's not an easy road and we all have our triumphs and tribulations. Being in Guatemala all summer and talking with at least 5 different adoptive moms a day, I was amazed at how many of them had dealt with infertility. Then, to deal with the ups and downs of a Guatemalan adoption after going through something like infertility just simply adds to the chase. In the end, something good always comes and as hard as it can be at times to remember that, it does. Your listening ear, love and support are the best things you can offer your friend. I wish her happiness in her life.
Becca,
That was a beautiful post. So true. While I haven't gone through infertility. I have gone through many years of people telling me that God has a plan for me and that Mr Right will come along at the right time. I am so glad that I stopped listening to them and took the steps I needed to to bring my DD home and to become a mommy.
I can tell you are a very good friend.
Susan
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