Friday, October 9, 2009

I wish I could stay home v. I have the best job in the world

I love my boys. I miss them. Not a revelation there.

The babysitter texted me this morning, saying that Owen had used the potty again. He used it three times yesterday, and barely went in his diaper even through his two-hour nap. (Will he go on his little potty at home? Nah. Rascal!) I asked how often they tried, and she said every hour she takes him in there. Sometimes he goes, sometimes he doesn't.

As I texted her back, I got all sappy and teary-eyed, which is rather unusual for me. I thought about our hours at home in the evenings after I pick them up. We go to the store if we need to (an hour I can't take him to try to potty), we get home and get things to play with/find cartoons to watch for a bit (I could try then to take him), I get supper started and we eventually eat (can't take him then), we play for a bit/I do laundry or dishes or pick up or all of the above, then books, bath and bed. So there are a couple opportunities to try on the potty. But being away from him, and home, from 7-whenever leaves us little time for that sort of thing. So his sitter does it.

For some it may sound great to not have to deal w/pottying! But it's just one more thing I feel like I miss out on while I'm working full-time.

That brings me to working. I teach high school science--freshmen physical science, and biology 2 with juniors and seniors. I love my job. I have a blast almost every single day I'm at work. Even if I'm doing notes or something not as fun as a lab or experiment, the students are always entertaining enough to keep me happy. Other perks: Most days I can leave by 3:15. I have a prep hour to get things done. I don't have to sit all day for my job. I see young, fresh faces every hour. I get to write discipline referrals when a kid hacks me off. (Bet you wish YOUR job let you write up your co-workers!) I'm off from the last week of May till the 2nd week of August. My job pays well enough that between us, we can afford to live on 40 acres of woods (in a house, mind you) and be in the process of purchasing 11.72 more. Added bonus, Shannon is vice-principal so he's my boss. Heh heh.

And back to what I miss: the little smiles and laughter from my kids day-to-day. Both of them starting to crawl. Owen's first step. The first time Ian clapped. Teaching them colors, numbers, sign language, words, about the world. I do this whenever I can in the evenings and on the weekends, but life demands so much of a working mom. Throw in a husband who is asst. principal, athletic director AND head football coach, and I'm lucky if the house isn't condemned and my kids aren't removed from my care, most weeks.

So I just miss them. And simultaneously, I love my job. Then I miss them some more, and wonder what they are doing. Their babysitter is the best, the type of caregiver maybe 1 in a 1000 working moms are lucky enough to find. The boys are learning social skills with the other 2 kids who are there w/them, and learn plenty of educational stuff, too. They are happy there. I know I miss them more than they miss me.

But is she raising my kids? Or are we all ok? I have guilt from working; I have guilt with my impatience with them on weekends when they are home w/me all day. I love my kids; I love my students. I love interacting w/adults and young adults; I love playing w/my kids on their level. I would love to stay home; I love the money my job provides for our lifestyle. I would love to teach my kids about the natural world; I love the intellectual challenge of teaching high school kids the complexities of the human body.

I guess all working moms are a dichotomy. I'll end this post here, because there really is no pat way to wrap it up. I'm split every single day.


howie mama said...

Hi Rebecca-It's Heather, Wyatt and Collin from the Porta Hotel in Antigua. I just noticed you are back to blogging-that is great! Congrats on the new addition-not really new now-lol! Owen is so big!! Glad to see all are well. Take care!!

Debbie said...

Becca - When working, there were many mornings that I cried my way to work. Like you, I was torn between the part of me that wanted to be home with my kids and the part of me that felt, for many reasons, that I needed work.

Now we have Lili and I'm fulfilling that desire to be a SAHM. There are certainly some perks to working (money,enjoyment), but I just can't imagine a job that could pay me enough or that I would enjoy more than my job as full-time mommy.

Being a SAHM isn't for everyone and for many reasons it's not even possible for everyone, but for us it works and it works well.

I hope you find the balance in your life that you desire, whether that comes in the form of working mom or SAHM.